Dear reader, did I hear you say,
“Why, ‘tis a lovely sunny day”?
Oh reader, let me now confide
What happened when I stepped outside.
I had my book, a comfy chair,
A plan for happy hours there.
But soon enough I came to sense
A presence on the nearby fence:
A specimen Sciuridae
He seemed a friendly little guy,
Who turned and bowed as if in greeting
And tempted me away from reading.
I felt an idle need to capture
This interspecies backyard rapture.
So poised my phone to take a pic,
And in that breath ere camera click,
My thoughts a thousand tales were spinning
Of this our friendship, just beginning.
What exploits might befall a gal
And her new charming squirrel pal?
I dreamed perhaps we two might spend
Our afternoons as friend and friend.
He’d forage acorns as I read,
And when he felt himself full fed,
He’d simply bask in nearby rays—
And that is how we’d spend our days.
And though there’d pass no words between us,
You’d know us friends had you but seen us.
And for that moment, eye to eye,
I failed to factor: squirrels fly.
For all these dreams aside were swept
When in that breath, the squirrel…he leapt.
Dear reader, hast thou aught experience
With airborne rodent interference?
Turns out my skills with puck and ball
Work not on squirrel. Not at all.
A twisty, turny grey torpedo
Launched at me as if I were tree, though
Nary leaves nor roots have I;
Instead of bark, my noble cry,
“SWEET HOLY JESUS WHAT IS HAPPENING!?”
Accompanied by flap and swing,
Did nothing to dissuade his flight,
Sailed past my limbs and did alight
Upon my shirt and clung securely.
So I responded, quite maturely,
With calm command, “Now down, Squirrel. Sit.”—
Just kidding, y’all: I lost my shit.
I tugged and flapped and spun and reeled,
I grunted, cursed, I cried and squealed.
(Neighbors who this whirlwind viewed
Might rightly guess I’d come unglued.)
The words I used can’t be repeated,
But in the end, my foe retreated.
And that, dear friends, is why I need
Four walls around me when I read.
Victorious, but psyche scarred,
I dare not set foot in the yard.
I tell this tale now safe inside,
If Squirrel comes back, please say I died.