Tag Archives: I’m on a horse.

Ogden Nash on Bad Coffee and Little Sleep

Bored, tired and caffeinated, Tiny Red suggested we editors three “write poetry about your favorite animals.”

These four pieces are the collective fruits of about six minutes of creativity:

1. DEFINITIONS

Turkeys are glurkey,

But ducks are the shit.

Kitties are pretty.

Badgers have mitts.

2. BETRAYAL

I like horsies
I like bunnies
I like duckies

FALSE

I do not like duckies
Their feet scare me.

Are they fish or are they bird?

 

They are unholy.

 

3. COHABITATION

Why,

Spider?

WHY?

 

Are your leg parts in my cereal?

 

Why,

Lizard?

WHY?

 

Is your skull in my bed?

 

Why,

CJ?

WHY?

 

Won’t you stop being disgusting?

 

4. WHEN THE GATOR ATE MY LEG

When the gator ate my leg

I swore he’d throw it up

In time to get to the hospital.

 

He didn’t.

 

When the gator ate my leg

I cursed him with indigestion

And then I remembered my favorite sock.

 

It’s gone.

 

When the gator at my leg

I wished diarrhea upon him

But then he pooped in my pool.

 

It’s gross.

 

 

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The Olympic Drinking Game

This is based off of something Mrs. Deelio found–I rearranged a little and added a few. More will surely be added as the games (and, let’s face it, the evening) wear on…

New additions in blue (as of 5 p.m., July 28).

One drink:

Didn’t stick the landing

Hideous uniforms

Bitter runners up

“Just a kid from…”

Tears

Celebrity spectator

Athlete beefs it while competing (including falling off gymnastics equipment)

Really funny name

USSR mention

Blood

Sportscaster says something A) ridiculously nationalistic, or B) ridiculously smug about his/her sport

Reference to a non-Olympic sport

Epic collapse from a big lead

Sportscaster makes a funny (ie “[So-and-so] called for the double-touch because she tried to play it off her face.”)

Parent or coach body-English.

Shot:

New world record

High five left hanging

Gymnasts of dubious ages

Fit kid, fat parents

Nordic country wins gold

Learning a new rule about an obscure sport

Any athlete named “Pepe”

Athlete beefs it while not in the act of competing

Horse poops

False start DQ

Bela Karolyi says something nonsensical

Sportscaster gets indignant on behalf of opposing country (ie, “How DARE they call that penalty shot! The referees just GAVE the US the medal!”)

Epic collapse and/or upset in a medal round

Chug:

Compound fracture

Wrong national anthem at medal ceremony

Streaker

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May 5

Happy Cinco de Derby!

The horse/jockey cards (one for each horse in the derby) probably represent about four total hours of work since yesterday evening. (I’m done with the Exacto knife for a while.) Oh yes, the saddle cloth colors are accurate to the gate, and each card includes the horse’s morning line. Put in a dollar and pick a horse; winner gets the pot. (All credit to old Asolo alum Dancing Jim–War Emblem once won me $20 at his place.) All this to be accompanied by mint juleps and the world’s worst collection of crazy hats.

Cheap bourbon and homemade mint simple syrup.

The Deelios and CCB and I are warming up with hockey and corn dogs right now. Looking forward to the arrival of Krazy K and Suzi Q, the ‘Rents and Little J. There’s also free UFC tonight, Mayweather/Cotto (not that we’re paying $60 for that shit, but we’ll keep an eye out for the results), Galaxy/Redbulls and…I dunno, some other stuff.

So, y’know, wish us luck! (I’ve got $5 each on Creative Cause, Daddy Nose Best and Went the Day Well. C’mon, boys, mama needs a new sombrero.)

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The Passion of the Saddles

Alternate title: I’m On a Horse: A love story.

We came into their world…

…and their eyes met.

Others were unaware of their connection.

He tried to play it off…

…but he couldn’t contain his joy.

Of course, they had their problems…

…as we all do, from time to time.

In the end, everyone stood around awkwardly for photos.

And they rode off into the sunset.

And then there’s Ziggy. He’s just pretty.

The end.

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