Tag Archives: I’m a horrible person

Guilt Does Not Inspire

This is an awful attitude to have the day after a weeklong vacation, but: I don’t feel like doing shit.

Well, maybe that’s an obvious and common attitude, but there does seem to be a prevailing logic that vacations should be linked to productivity. That is, you work for so long that you build up a big desire to not work, and then on vacation you can get all your not-working out of your system so you can get back to working again.

Or something.

Unfortunately, it’s not like this impulse for not-working is unusual for me. I just feel guiltier than usual for having done so much not-working in the recent past, and still wanting to do more.

Really, when you factor in the fact that I spent much of the week prior to vacation “winding down” in preparation for all the not-working, it’s even worse.

And, perhaps worst of all, I’ve decided to go with it. It’s not like the guilt was motivating me, anyway.

In fact, I’m taking it a step further: I’m giving myself a pass on everything today. That means, in addition to not-working, I’m not going to anguish about calories and money, either. I bought a double-tall mocha from Starbucks. With whip. And a bag of popcorn. Buttered popcorn.

I don’t know what I’m doing for lunch yet, but I’m not wracking my brain for the cheapest salad in town. And I ain’t goin’ to the gym, either. I’m going to Target to get some Drano, bitches.

The point is, most of this stuff would happen anyway—I probably wouldn’t be very productive this morning, I definitely needed coffee, I didn’t plan ahead for lunch and my morning shower was in eight inches of bilge—and rising. Ship’s sailed. Milk’s spilled. Telling myself I’m a lazy, fat, soon-to-be-moneyless person won’t change my plans. It’ll just make me want ice cream, too.

Even if guilt did talk me out of whipped cream and into Subway, it’s not like I’d feel a swell of pride in purpose. I’d just feel like guilt made me go against my desires and impulses. I’d feel empty. It’d be a struggle. It’d be a whole internal conflict. And I hate conflict.

This way, I’m going with the flow while allowing for the possibility of naturally, positively, sincerely steering toward good things. Good things are even better when you arrive at them naturally and positively and sincerely instead of struggling toward them and depriving yourself and killing your soul.

And look, it seems to be working. I already got a whole blog written.

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