“I AM Greg”

“One Christmas morning Greg, who was five at the time, woke me up to go downstairs. I looked at him and said, ‘Okay, let’s go wake up Greg.’ He looked at me with his big kindergarten eyes and nervously said, ‘I am Greg!’ From then on our family has used the phrase ‘I am Greg!’ any time one of us is having an existential breakdown.” —from Yes Please by Amy Poehler


Halloween night, watching the World Series with my parents. Rapt, unspeaking. Nothing but the noise of the game.

Somewhere in the bottom of the third, my phone plinks: a text message. I check it.

It’s from my mother, 10 feet behind me:

“Who is the character you are portraying?”




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Saturday Afternoon: A Play

The Characters:

Cheerful Baby Boomers

Confused peasant

The Scene:

A dining room in Florida. Outside, rain.




The table contains a newspaper, a pile of reading glasses, a pile of watches with broken wristbands, a pile of coins. DAD, in a skullcap, sits at the table in his wheelchair, sorting.




HANNAH: You’re wearing a yarmulke?

DAD: Yes. I was in the mood.


Enter MOM, on a knee scooter


MOM: Have you ever opened this garbage can and found a live opossum in it?



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Banana Hammer Blog Drill. Serious This Time.


So here we are. I’m sitting here on a Sunday, kicking back with a beer and the Bucs game, pot roast in the slow cooker, NPR in the recent past, while outside, Autumn sits cowering in the corner, whimpering, asking Abusive Asshole Summer when it can come out.

And I’m texting Thing 1 about making a coat rack out of bananas and hammers, and I feel a twinge of regret for this, the long-neglected blog.

And I’m (relatively) caught up on freelance assignments, with some outstanding income that’s making me feel (however temporarily) kinda secure in this stupid freelance life.

And I’ve developed an admirable writing habit that’s mired of late between actual work assignments that feel very much like work, and personal projects that also feel like work with an extra dose of self-indulgence.

And I had a dream last night about writing a poem about “putting my parents in the zoo,” and I was like, “Yeah, I should do that.”

And if I can ever get past these occasional, self-indulgent, “Long time, no blog!” posts, I might actually produce something amusing that my friends would enjoy, instead of spending all my time focused on writing things intended for people I’ll never meet.

And I think my parents would really like the zoo, honestly.

And I’m tired of not being excited by my BananaHammer FB notices, or the random views I get because somebody googled “tequila IV.”

And I need a place to go every time I think I should do a thread on Twitter.

And I really, really, really enjoyed my little foray into post-apocalyptic fiction, but I never quite got comfortable with it. (Hence its disappearance from this site.) (Available upon request.) (…maybe.)

And I really, seriously, need to figure out a way to talk/write about myself without cringing with self-consciousness. (Ugh, self-indulgent. Ugh, writing about writing. Ugh, ugh, ugh.)

And come to think of it, I put my sisters in the zoo, too. Do they even let you make coat racks at the zoo?

Anyway, maybe this’ll continue. Maybe next week this space will feature an amusing anecdote about dive bars, or a tirade about language, or a poem about angry neuroses set to the tune of a song by one of America’s most beloved Mid-Century satirical musicians.

Or maybe there’ll be a poem about familial zoo-placement. Or maybe a picture of a handmade coat rack.

…or maybe it’s 2019 and this is still the most recent post on this site. I dunno. We shall see.

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The Day in Messages

Wherein Little J and I discuss pop-culture doppelgangers and eventually come upon a crater of shitty, shitty rock music. (Hint: http://www.mtv.com/artists/theory-of-a-deadman/related-artists/?filter=similar)


9:22 a.m.

ME: I feel like the chick who plays Jessie’s girlfriend on Breaking Bad [Krysten Ritter] goes on the Aubrey Plaza/Zooey Deschanel/etc. list.


LITTLE J: Hehe, yes. Partly because she’s in one of those “apparently there’s this show that I’ve never seen before”—Don’t Trust The Bitch In Apartment 23 (a mental category that 2 Broke Girls inhabits).

Though the Girls lasted longer than the Apartment, apparently.




10:47 a.m.

ME: It’s Hemsworth and not Pine that I was (at least name-wise) more likely to confuse with Pratt. But in trying to figure out who the other Chris-es were, remembering that you’d mentioned Pine, I was like, “No, that’s not one…I think it was the guy from Star Trek? Oh…”


LITTLE J: Pratt *is* kinda halfway between Hemsworth and Pine.


ME: I think I’d put Hemsworth in the middle, but if I think too hard about it they become the same person again.


LITTLE J: Heh, like a Magic Eye poster.



2:14 p.m.

ME: After listening to as much Highly Suspect as I could tolerate, I’ve fallen down a shitty-hard-rock rabbit hole.

I should know better than to pursue any list so heavily poopulated by Papa Roach.

The typo stays.


LITTLE J: I wanted to make a joke about breaking the habit, but I think that’s the wrong (c)rap/rock band


ME: Glad I never bothered to distinguish between Theory of a Deadman, Theory of Dying, etc. etc.

Fuck, Art of Dying…see?


LITTLE J: As I Lay Dying

Hollywood Undead


ME: I’m already sad I know Five-Finger Death Punch.

…which is not, I now realize, Finger 11.


LITTLE J: Hahah, true.


ME: WTF, music industry.


HOMECOMING: Godsmack comes together for the Rockstar Energy Drink Uproar Festival at the Comcast Center on Sunday.


LITTLE J: I like the Alice in Chains song => Godsmack, or Machinehead band => Bush song


ME: Also, they’re not Mushroom Head…something to keep in mind.


LITTLE J: Good point.



4:06 p.m.

ME: Oh dear god…this is the throat-punchiest page ever generated by the internet: http://www.mtv.com/artists/theory-of-a-deadman/related-artists/?filter=similar


LITTLE J: Black Stone Cherry and Buckcherry: also not the same.


ME: Hinder, Staind…


LITTLE J: I was sitting outside Taco Tuesday a couple weeks back, and this little Miata rolls up looking for a spot, coffee-can muffler braaap braaap-ing, racer-style rims and tires, backs into the “we’d like to turn here” non-spot on the corner of the building, a tiny little man gets out, and of course the song on the stereo was Hinder.


ME: Haha that’s amazing.


LITTLE J: It was too perfect of a set, like you should slam that all down and yell rummy.

Like all you needed was a spray tan and an Affliction shirt (which, in my mind, he has, but I don’t think that’s quite fair).


ME: How is it that Affliction reached and breached the douchebaggery of TapOut so quickly?


LITTLE J: Yeah, I dunno.



4: 47 p.m.

ME: You’ve gotta wonder what you’ve done wrong in your life to be on a list where Chad Kroeger and Scott Stapp both appear TWICE.


LITTLE J: Hahhaa I hadn’t noticed Evans Blue vs. Blue October.


ME: 3 Days Grace, 3 Doors Down and 30 Seconds to Mars—please line up single-file; I only have one lance.


LITTLE J: 12 Stones, 10 years…


ME: I feel like there was a time in my life when I actually knew Saving Abel, but maybe I’m just thinking of Gerunding Bandname.


LITTLE J: Breaking Benjamin? Drowning Pool? Stabbing Westward? Thriving Ivory?


ME: This game makes my soul hurt.



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10 Tips for Sarasota Snowbirds

Inspired by everyday, real-life experiences and finding solace in oncoming summer.


  1. U.S. 41 is a major north-south highway, not a scenic road. Please be aware of how much you’re screwing up traffic when you drive 25 mph.


  1. Also, don’t pull a snowbird roadblock and keep even pace with the idiot next to you. There are only two lanes (per direction) on the North Trail; don’t fuck them both up.


  1. You’re not allowed to say Siesta Key Beach is “just OK.” You’re just not.


  1. “Yield” going into roundabouts does not mean “stop entirely and wait.” Nor does it mean “zip on in despite oncoming traffic.”


  1. Ringling Boulevard is FOUR lanes, divided by a landscaped median. If you’re driving the wrong way, we WILL laugh and take your picture.


  1. If you’re going to shop for beach supplies at Publix, please don’t do it at noon. Some of us are on our lunch break and don’t want to have to fight past you and your flip-flop indecision.


  1. If you find yourself among the first in line at the Bahia Vista/41 or Bee Ridge/41 left-hand turn lanes, please pretend there are pitchfork-wielding villagers behind you; there might as well be if you hesitate and leave us waiting through another cycle.


  1. Pedistrian-friendly downtown only extends so far; by god, I will run your ass over if you try to cross Orange against the light.


  1. For god’s sake, DON’T FEED THE SEAGULLS.


  1. I don’t care whose tiny child is dancing, keep a clear path through the chickee hut at O’Leary’s, or I will spill my beer on you.

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Late-Night Lonely Songs

For some comforting detachment when the lights go down. (Or: What I Listened To Pulling All-Nighters in College)






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Ogden Nash on Bad Coffee and Little Sleep

Bored, tired and caffeinated, Tiny Red suggested we editors three “write poetry about your favorite animals.”

These four pieces are the collective fruits of about six minutes of creativity:


Turkeys are glurkey,

But ducks are the shit.

Kitties are pretty.

Badgers have mitts.


I like horsies
I like bunnies
I like duckies


I do not like duckies
Their feet scare me.

Are they fish or are they bird?


They are unholy.







Are your leg parts in my cereal?






Is your skull in my bed?






Won’t you stop being disgusting?



When the gator ate my leg

I swore he’d throw it up

In time to get to the hospital.


He didn’t.


When the gator ate my leg

I cursed him with indigestion

And then I remembered my favorite sock.


It’s gone.


When the gator at my leg

I wished diarrhea upon him

But then he pooped in my pool.


It’s gross.



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