Day Off No. 2

Up at 7 a.m. Ugh.

I didn’t realize when I committed to the idea of brisket barbecue, I was signing myself up for a wild beef chase.

First thing, made brisket rub and potato salad, and still managed to get out of the house by 10:30, to Target (birthday card and bathing suit), Publix (brisket, tarragon, toothbrush), Sweetbay (brisket), Lowe’s (cinderblocks, mulch, paper towels), Quality Mega Meats (brisket)–at which point I realized my 8 a.m. bacon and banana wasn’t cutting it anymore.

Also, did I mention that my car is insufficient in the cooling department? And oh yes: It’s hot as balls outside.

The second I got home and heated myself up a nice bowl of chili-powdered corn, Mr. Deelio informed me that there was now a 10-pound brisket on hold for me at Oneco Meats (their last brisket).

Back into the hot car I went. Drove by Oneco Meats (twice) before successfully steering into the parking lot.

MEAT DUDE: You’re the one the guy called for not long ago?

ME: Yep.

MEAT DUDE: Good thing. This is our last one.

ME: Apparently the last one in the county, too.

RANDOM SHOPPER LADIES: Oh, we’re from Texas. You can get them anywhere down there.

My bad, yo. Forgot what state I was in.

Ten pounds, dude. That’s a $40 hunk of dead cow.

Nothing like a good meat rub down.

Brisket safe in the fridge, I embarked on my random project for the day: Stacking boards and cinderblocks to create an outdoor shelf for empty plant pots and other outdoorsy things with no official home.

The best part was making the base for the bottom shelf out of a broken turkey frier pot and a half-burned desktop computer that’s spent the last three years under the orange tree. I’m resourceful.

The worst part was when I went to retrieve the machete from the darkened garage and stepped square into the freshly used oil pan. I’m a Three Stooges movie waiting to happen. I damn near beefed it on top of the lawnmower, too. (Apparently beef was the theme of the day.) Does anyone know how to get motor oil out of Reefs?

Only at the Palais de Debauche will you find a test tube shot in the course of your yard work. In other news, I’m totally going to name my kid Tooter Lingo.

Dinner at the ‘rents for Ma’s birthday–home-cooked barbecue ribs, B&M baked beans, Granny’s baked macaroni and cheese. Oh, and tarragon potato salad.

The conversation twisted and turned until it finally arrived at, of all things, A Christmas Carol. (Apparently everyone needs a little Dickensian winter this time of year?) A little triangulation of dates, and it turns out we can reasonably assume that, on a seventh-grade field trip, CCB saw Pa as Fezziwig at Alabama Shakespeare Festival in the mid-90s. Ghost of Christmas past, making a midsummer night’s appearance.


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