Things CCB Says

Yes, sorry, it’s recycled content. But hopefully we can make this an ongoing collection…

Death of a nation.

CCB: There are 55 people in the U.S. named Hannah Wallace. There are 2,304 people in the U.S. named Steve Jones.
ME: I’m special.
CCB: My army would kill your army.
ME: My army would write poetry while it died.
CCB: My army would put all the Hannahs on little reservations. And let them open casinos

********** 

Turn on a fan, dumbass.
While using cleaning products with improper ventilation

 It hurts me in the head on the inside.

**********

Dot dot dot (dot dot).

ME: There’s a tad too many periods in your ellipses.
CCB: I like……long dramatic ellipses.

**********

Necessity is the mother of invention.

CCB: I wish they could make something that I could spray that would put my clothes away and take out the trash.
ME: You could spray yourself back to the 50s and get married.
CCB: Nah. I’ll just spray myself with some get-off-your-ass-and-clean.

**********

Prep the epidural.
Pretending his beer gut is a pregnant belly:

 CCB: The twins are sleepy.
ME: Twins?
CCB: I hope it’s twins. Otherwise, that’s going to hurt.

**********

Time to cry?
Realizing he’d stayed up too late on a work night.

What do you call the time between Wednesday and Thursday? The time that sucks?

**********

Low tolerance.

You ‘can’t take Bud Light’?!  That’s like saying you can’t go outside because the air is too deadly.

**********

Blue Ribbon at the sideshow.
Re: his relative lack of chest hair.

It’s a contest. My back is winning.

**********

Apoplexy accompaniment.
After dragging me onto Splash Mountain.

You see? Listen to the happy music. [Beat.] You’re having a stroke, aren’t you.

**********

Lactose intolerance.

It’s easier to get too much cheese than to get too much whipped cream.

**********

Classy all around.

I’m going to club you to death with my penis if you fart on me again.

 **********

Svantastic.

CCB: What’s “svelte”?
ME: It means crazy-thin.
CCB: Oh, that’s not me. Is there a “svat”? Can I be that?

**********

Primate ink.

CCB: I need more tattoos.
ME: What do you care about?
Pause.
CCB: Monkeys.

**********

Calling the Southern Anti-Defamation Alliance.

In-breeding leads to small penises.

**********

Abstinence.

ME: You’re a Virgo?
CCB: Yes. I’m waiting until marriage to change my Zodiac sign.

**********

On patience.

It’s like, say you just kidnapped Aaron Sorkin and said, “Write me a play!” You can’t come back five minutes later and say, “Bitch, is it done?”

**********

Foul demons.

That’s not me smelling. That’s the things I’ve told, “NO! You are not allowed in my body.”

**********

Nosy.

There was a kid staring at my wee-wee in the bathroom. I said, “Stop staring at my wee-wee. I smack you with it. Without even moving.”

**********

Betrayal.

CCB: My throat hurts. There’s a big thing in it.
ME: A big thing?
CCB: Yeah. I think it’s a monkey. [Pause. Frowns.] I don’t like monkeys anymore.

**********

Auto Parts.

ME: That’s what turn signals are for!
CCB: Is that what they’re for? I thought they were for blinky. Driving down the road: “ I want to blinky now.”

**********

Building character.

 Ooowwww. Hannah goes punchy punchy.

**********

Evolution.

I could be a cow and no one would notice, except I am a boy.

**********

Enablement.

I believe not drinking during the week has made my ability to get drunk easier.

**********

Corporate account.

What’s wrong with kittens?! I’m gonna start a business and our corporate card is going to have goddamn, motherfucking kittens on it!

**********

Divining rod.
Re: his buttonless boxer shorts (believe it or not).

My penis is like a…[makes a swimming fish gesture]…I don’t know what. One of those things that always finds a hole and…goes through it.

**********

Symbols.

Numbers yay! You and your letters. And these things you call words and sentences.

**********

Sports fans.

ME: We’re going to Nascar this weekend.
CCB: We’re going to drunk this weekend. And I think there’s going to be a race there.

**********

Tools of the trade.

You can’t solder a toilet back together without a beer!

**********

Too Favre.

Bret’s gotta start packing a cane so he can get off the fucking field.

**********

There’s always a catch.
In response to a KFC family meal commercial.

Look! We’re healthy! We have grilled chicken! Here, have a FUCKING CAKE!

**********

Warning Nemo.

ME: We should get a cat. Or a dog. Something snuggly. Something not a fish, ’cause fish aren’t snuggly.
CCB: Fish can be snuggly. Just only for a very short period of time.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Things CCB Says

  1. Captain Beerslinger

    Laughed all the way through. Even though I’ve seen some of it before.

    I like “svat”. I want to be that, too.

  2. Well that dramatically improved my morning 🙂

  3. Hee, I can definitely recognize the ones that didn’t make it onto the Magazine blog. And why.

    This blog rocks 🙂

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