Things CCB Says

Yes, sorry, it’s recycled content. But hopefully we can make this an ongoing collection…

Death of a nation.

CCB: There are 55 people in the U.S. named Hannah Wallace. There are 2,304 people in the U.S. named Steve Jones.
ME: I’m special.
CCB: My army would kill your army.
ME: My army would write poetry while it died.
CCB: My army would put all the Hannahs on little reservations. And let them open casinos


Turn on a fan, dumbass.
While using cleaning products with improper ventilation

 It hurts me in the head on the inside.


Dot dot dot (dot dot).

ME: There’s a tad too many periods in your ellipses.
CCB: I like……long dramatic ellipses.


Necessity is the mother of invention.

CCB: I wish they could make something that I could spray that would put my clothes away and take out the trash.
ME: You could spray yourself back to the 50s and get married.
CCB: Nah. I’ll just spray myself with some get-off-your-ass-and-clean.


Prep the epidural.
Pretending his beer gut is a pregnant belly:

 CCB: The twins are sleepy.
ME: Twins?
CCB: I hope it’s twins. Otherwise, that’s going to hurt.


Time to cry?
Realizing he’d stayed up too late on a work night.

What do you call the time between Wednesday and Thursday? The time that sucks?


Low tolerance.

You ‘can’t take Bud Light’?!  That’s like saying you can’t go outside because the air is too deadly.


Blue Ribbon at the sideshow.
Re: his relative lack of chest hair.

It’s a contest. My back is winning.


Apoplexy accompaniment.
After dragging me onto Splash Mountain.

You see? Listen to the happy music. [Beat.] You’re having a stroke, aren’t you.


Lactose intolerance.

It’s easier to get too much cheese than to get too much whipped cream.


Classy all around.

I’m going to club you to death with my penis if you fart on me again.



CCB: What’s “svelte”?
ME: It means crazy-thin.
CCB: Oh, that’s not me. Is there a “svat”? Can I be that?


Primate ink.

CCB: I need more tattoos.
ME: What do you care about?
CCB: Monkeys.


Calling the Southern Anti-Defamation Alliance.

In-breeding leads to small penises.



ME: You’re a Virgo?
CCB: Yes. I’m waiting until marriage to change my Zodiac sign.


On patience.

It’s like, say you just kidnapped Aaron Sorkin and said, “Write me a play!” You can’t come back five minutes later and say, “Bitch, is it done?”


Foul demons.

That’s not me smelling. That’s the things I’ve told, “NO! You are not allowed in my body.”



There was a kid staring at my wee-wee in the bathroom. I said, “Stop staring at my wee-wee. I smack you with it. Without even moving.”



CCB: My throat hurts. There’s a big thing in it.
ME: A big thing?
CCB: Yeah. I think it’s a monkey. [Pause. Frowns.] I don’t like monkeys anymore.


Auto Parts.

ME: That’s what turn signals are for!
CCB: Is that what they’re for? I thought they were for blinky. Driving down the road: “ I want to blinky now.”


Building character.

 Ooowwww. Hannah goes punchy punchy.



I could be a cow and no one would notice, except I am a boy.



I believe not drinking during the week has made my ability to get drunk easier.


Corporate account.

What’s wrong with kittens?! I’m gonna start a business and our corporate card is going to have goddamn, motherfucking kittens on it!


Divining rod.
Re: his buttonless boxer shorts (believe it or not).

My penis is like a…[makes a swimming fish gesture]…I don’t know what. One of those things that always finds a hole and…goes through it.



Numbers yay! You and your letters. And these things you call words and sentences.


Sports fans.

ME: We’re going to Nascar this weekend.
CCB: We’re going to drunk this weekend. And I think there’s going to be a race there.


Tools of the trade.

You can’t solder a toilet back together without a beer!


Too Favre.

Bret’s gotta start packing a cane so he can get off the fucking field.


There’s always a catch.
In response to a KFC family meal commercial.

Look! We’re healthy! We have grilled chicken! Here, have a FUCKING CAKE!


Warning Nemo.

ME: We should get a cat. Or a dog. Something snuggly. Something not a fish, ’cause fish aren’t snuggly.
CCB: Fish can be snuggly. Just only for a very short period of time.



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4 responses to “Things CCB Says

  1. Captain Beerslinger

    Laughed all the way through. Even though I’ve seen some of it before.

    I like “svat”. I want to be that, too.

  2. Well that dramatically improved my morning 🙂

  3. Hee, I can definitely recognize the ones that didn’t make it onto the Magazine blog. And why.

    This blog rocks 🙂

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